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happy fourth, fellow creepers.
i am doing alright at the moment, despite the irrational fear that someone is in my house waiting to kill me. i swear to shit i hear someone upstairs walking around. i hate my father's damn dogs. they are so gross and annoying. by the way, it is a rarity for me to say that i "hate" any living creature, because-save a few horrifying things (such as bees)-i pretty much love all animals. however, i allow myself to hate Razi and Zoe. If you had to live with them, you would understand why.

i am going to see the fireworks with marissa here soon, and i am happy about that. i really love marissa, she is such a chill girl. and a sweet heart. we have been pretty tight this summer. and i'm glad. i love new friends, especially the ones you never saw coming.[:

Ahhhg, Zoe is bitching about something.
Byeeeee~

el cielo es azul


just don't go telling everyone.

mother.
i am so sorry for what happened to you.
i wish that you would have told me,
i wish that i would have known.
i would not have said those things,
i would not have hurt you so bad.
but what's done is done,
and i guess in the end,
i wouldn't take it back.
whatever happens
whatever has happened now or before
it all effects us somehow,
yeah, i think it was meant to be.
i think it was mean to be just like this.

you're looking so cold.
you've become so thin.
i wish i could still sit by you
and hold your hand.
but that won't happen now
no, that won't be happening right now
see, i'm here and i'm with all my friends.
i think they really love me, mom.
i think they really do.
they pour their hearts all over me
in a way i never learned from you.

and i'm sorry it's come to this,
but there's no changing it.
what's done is done,
and i guess in the end,
i wouldn't take it back.


so please forgive what i have done,
you can't stay mad at the setting sun. :/

it's 4:00 in the a.m., and


my mind is reeling.
i want to say so many things,
but no one is listening.
even my fucking therapist kicks me out of sessions early
says "you're doing fine,
why don't we call it a day."
Yeah. Great. Except,
I'M NOT FUCKING FINE.
yeah, okay, maybe i laugh
maybe i make jokes to make myself feel better
maybe i smile a lot
maybe i seem composed
and content,
but i am so far from where i want to be.
granted i'm on my way
but there is still so much distance to cover.
and i need help!
i can't do it on my own!
I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING BY MY FUCKING SELF.
I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS
EVERY DAY
EVERY NIGHT
I can't sleep.
I sit and stare for hours
lost in my own thoughts, and daydreams.
and when i do sleep, when i do dream,
i can't recall what was real and what was imagined.
my days are running together,
time has absolutely no meaning for me.

YOU THINK THAT I AM SO 'COMPOSED'?
Well let me tell you this:
I am the most insecure girl you will ever know.
I do not like anything about myself physically.
I cannot shut off my own thoughts,
they keep me up at night.
i worry about everything.
i do everything in excess,
talk too much
write too much
sleep(when i can) too much
take too many pills,
i am far from composed. far, far from it.

WHAT IN THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU FOR, DOCTOR?
shit.


....i told you i rant a lot.

timelapse;

everything is off balance,
i was numb this morning
and now i hurt all over.
my nerves are shot,
due to years of starvation and constant stress
anxiety is eating me alive.
today was odd,
it passed me by slowly
yet i did not take the time to observe,
calculate,
admire.
this is not the way i should behave,
it always starts with one bad day.
and then it is a week,
a month,
a year.

so much commotion inside of my head now
i want to write and write and write
waste so many sheets of paper
write so many obsuce and irrelivant things;
it will make me feel better, it will.

the words, they are stuck
too long crammed inside my brain,
now it's impossible to budge even one syllable.

my legs hurt so bad
my fingertips are tingling.
all day, every day.
all night, every night.
no sleep and no surrender.
 

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