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one day you will mean nothing.


be the salt water passing through my open wounds. cold chills in the middle of the night, the light in the dark i can never quite find. hold my hopes high suspended by thin fragile string, cut the cord for the next best thing. and return once a year, only to burn my skin with a lit cigarette. a post it note on the bathroom sink, it said your goodbyes. now i'm washing my hands. now i'm drying my eyes. closing the door, switching off the light. the telephone rings. eight thirty. well, this time you'll get my machine.

hot summer soil.


just something that i wrote down,

now that the weather is hot, we start shedding our clothes. by the cool fountains sit all day all night, watched the church goers they come and they go. wonder when it will be my turn. i want to find someplace in the back, far from the watchful eye of god. i think i lost that a long time ago, yeah i think the music is why i keep coming back. when the organ's mournful voice sings and swells life can do me no harm. when those angels turn to gold, when their bronze eyes meet mine, that's when i stand that's when i realize it's time to go.
we made love on the cold kitchen floor, and i knew for certain you hated me then. i closed my eyes and you, you watched me die. put the coffee pot on, open up a pack of old cigarettes. possible disasters whispered on the news, your eyes glued to the telivision set while i try to find my shoes. you say "this means nothing, we can still be friends. tonight was okay but now this must end." well, i'm laughing now and i hope you don't mind. honey, you've got to sweep the dust from your eyes. this is the truth that you and i despise. with my nails in your back you are the sweetest of summer songs, when your safety surrounds me life can do me no harm. you opened your mouth, that's when i poured the cement. sealed shut the life i'm still too broken to mend.
LAY DOWN YOUR LIFE FOR THESE POISONS THESE BRIEF MOMENTS OF BLISS
followed by a week; seven nights of hopeless inadequacy, stumble around lie your head down beg for the lifeboat to carry you home. sooner or later we hate what we used to adore. cling to the fragments that make us feel whole. this is the night we bury our hearts in the soil.

surgay.


Where do you belong?
i'm pretty content with where I am at the moment.

Has anyone told you forever and ever then left?
yes.

What was the first thing you thought when you woke up today?
"why am i still wearing shoes"

Other than Paris Hilton, who would you most like to see get hit?
Daniel Cook.

Ever had someone dislike you that you barely knew?
of course.

Can guys and girls be friends without trying to make it more?
yes.

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
never, ha!

Do you consider yourself a dick?
i think i'm a pretty nice kid. i have my moments though, i'm only human.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with M, K, A, R, or J?
yes, yes, idk, no, no.

Who was the last person you saw, besides family?
marissa[:

What if The last person you kissed on the lips said that you were the only one they wanted?
i'd be surprised.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name begins with J, Who?
we've been through this.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
i don't think so.

Do you want your tongue pierced?
HELL NO.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
idk, my bff jim? [:

Has anyone of the opposite sex hurt you emotionally?
of course.

What was your last thought last night before you went to bed?
i really don't remember.

What is the last thing you got in trouble for with your parent?
not mailing my letters.

Would you have sex with someone you had known less than twenty four hours?
no thanks.

Who was the last person you got mad at? About what?
probably kelly. i have not been "mad" at anyone for awhile.

Would you ever date someone who thought they knew EVERYTHING?
ha! i've been there. no thanks.

Does sex mean love?
nah man.

Do you remember who you liked three months ago?
kelly

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
mmmhm.

Have you thought about an ex today?
i texted her i think.

When is the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
i don't know

Relationships or one night stands?
is this even a real question

What would you say if you found out you were pregnant?
HOW ?!

Could you cry right now?
nah.

Who did you spend your summer with last year?
kelly and caitlin, 24/7

Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships?
no, key word..PAST.

How do you know the last person you were in a car with other than family?
i met her at skoooo.

Have you kissed someone who had a girl/ boyfriend?
no, i don't do that.

Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
April, and Marissa.

Do you find it cute when boys/girls call you cute names?
depends.

What is a common thing that happens to you on the weekends?
chillin.

Have you been in love?
yes.

If you could change one thing right now what would it be?
i'd get my homework to do itself.
i'd get my dad to talk to me.
i'd move Caitlin to Omaha.
i'd write this poem i've been obsessing over.
i'd be thin.

Is there one person you look at and automatically smile?
ha ha , yes[:

Last place you fell asleep other than a bed?
couch.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you texted?
yeah :[ i'd be so sad.

Was the last person you gave the finger to someone you knew?
HAHAHA no, but ask Marissa about it. It's great.

Do you believe once a cheater, always a cheater?
yep.

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately?
i'm happy most of the time.

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
yes[:

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?
"love can not live where there is no trust."

What's been different this year?
living in Nebraska.

Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?
no i loveee her

Have you held hands with anyone today?
no D: i love holding hands, too.

Has there been anyone particular on your mind at all today?
yep yep yep

Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind?
yes sir.

Did any particular thing brighten up your day?
going outside was wonderful until i started melting in the heat.

What are you excited for?
tomorrow!

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
i don't believe in regrets, sorry.

Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for?
sometimes.

where have you been?


where have you been?
i thought you said that all of that was done.


My father has been so distant lately. No, more..more than just lately. It has been quite awhile now. I know that because of his disability, time passes him by without his knowing. But at times, it is hard for me to comprehend that. It is hard for me to understand, and even harder not to be upset at his lack of emotion. Days just fly by, and he does not even notice. I swear we could go without speaking for days, and it would not even phase him.

I miss him. I miss the way he and I used to talk. Not about anything important exactly, nothing too deep, just small conversations about the music we like, some funny thing we saw on TV, memories from when I was small.

I hope he comes back into reality soon, because I really miss him being here.

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